Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
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