Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
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What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
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