What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
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