Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
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