I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
"I mead more wine."
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Everybody romaine calm.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
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