Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
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