Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
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