I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
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