The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
"You are so bottlefull to me."
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What a spud muffin.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
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