What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
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