Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
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