My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
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