How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
"I make pour decisions."
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
"It's wine o'clock."
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
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