What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
Join us for a slice of fun.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
"Be kind, re-wine."
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
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