I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
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