Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
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