"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
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