I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
"I mead more wine."
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
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