What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
Keep calm and carrot on.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
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