I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
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