My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
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