I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
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