After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
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