Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
This foundation is rock salad.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
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