How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
You and I make a deluxe combo.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
"You're the wine that I want."
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
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