My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
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