Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
What a spud muffin.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
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