I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
"On cloud wine."
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
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