Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
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