What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
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