Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
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