What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
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