Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
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