What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
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