How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
You’re wine in a million.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
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