Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
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