Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
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