What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
Potato puns are a-peeling.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
Go to BabaMail
