How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
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