The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
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