I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
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