What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
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