What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
Salty but sweet.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
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