How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
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