What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
Don't fork-get your manners.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
We were mermaid for each other.
You seem a little mer-mad.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
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