Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
Go big or go gnome.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
Call me on the shellphone.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
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