What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
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