How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
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