What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
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