How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
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