Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
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