I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
The superconductor left without resistance.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.