What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
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