What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
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