Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
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